Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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