It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
