My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
