It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
