The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
