So drunk its hurt
She's JV to your varsity
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
