I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
