oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
