Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
