this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
