Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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