I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
