She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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