Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
