if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
