I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
