just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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