yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
