Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
