you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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