it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
