Well apparently he's into motor boating.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
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oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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