like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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