I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
