hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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