You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.