im drinking this country out of the recession.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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