Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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