Even the bartender felt bad for me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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