so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
