I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
