Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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