dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Randomize
