Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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