I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
