So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
