I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Randomize
