Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
