My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
