I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
