She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think a kid would responsible me up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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