she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
