Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
