You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
