naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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