i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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