Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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