I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
