What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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