did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
