is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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