Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
