You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
