he was CRYING into my vagina
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
