I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
