Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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