It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
