I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
